#'don't piss off the homophobes or dudes that still want to fuck them but make it clear they're into each other but not stepping over that l

[mybeautifulwifegojo]

fuck it, vampire au where Satoru was the brightest star of Japan's monster-hunting society and then he got turned by some rando and in a fit of rage killed him and nearly 200 civilians. For this unspeakable act Gojo Satoru was bound and gagged and sealed in a cave behind a waterfall that used to be a holy site.

400 years later, Sasaki and Iguchi have a semi-popular YouTube series about scary places in Japan, and Yuji is their Resident Skeptic who really does want to support his friends, but like. ain't no way there's ACTUALLY a demon sealed in that old cave that's been cordoned off since the 80s. no fucking way. but the three of them go in, Yuji taking point as usual, and find that the cave is.... way deeper than reported.

weird.

there's whispering in the dark, and strange scuttling noises, but nothing they can see. and nothing comes at them. there aren't even any spiders or bats in here--like animals won't come here.

...even weirder.

and then. just as Yuji is about to suggest turning back. the flashlight beam lands on a body that's been strung up, bound, sealed, and ritually drained of blood.

the body's eyes are open, and he's furious.

so anyway after Sasaki and Iguchi stop screaming, Yuji unties the guy because clearly something illegal happened here and holy shit the guy is so cold but he's still moving and breathing and talking??? it's a weird, old fashioned dialect but Yuji understands enough to convince the man to come with them to the hospital. the man seems weirdly fixated on Yuji, asking his name and who his parents are and if he's a "sorcerer", but really he has so many wounds and they're all dry and crusty and smell like rot and Yuji just really wants to make sure he's not dying.

as soon as they exit the cave, there's like five sorcerers already there ready to fight Satoru. he's weakened, now, surely they can kill him.

except Yuji is hurt trying to stop the violence, and Satoru gets a whiff of his blood, and knows.

"Heir of Sukuna, please forgive me for this."

Three drops of Yuji's blood is all Satoru needs to subdue the enemy.

Fast-forward three years, 18yo Yuji moves to Tokyo and gets a job in the kitchen of a incredibly fancy bathhouse (mostly for sorcerers and hunters but also a genuine business), because he brought kikufuku and hotpot he made at home for the interviewer and staff to try. Nobara, charged with showing him the ropes, asks how long he's been cooking; he tells her most of his teen years, but the kikufuku is because his wife has a sweet tooth and begs him to make it a lot.

"Wife?? Aren't you only eighteen??"

"Oh--yeah, we're not actually married yet. He just likes being called my wife, and I like being his husband. It makes it easier to wait for the law to change. Plus it's fun to introduce him as my wife because homophobes don't know what to do about a tall, buff dude enjoying being a housewife."

Nobara meets Yuji's wife that night. He is very tall and buff, and also clearly adores Yuji in a way that makes the fact that he's the legendary vampire Gojo Satoru slightly less horrifying. Like, it's very hard to imagine the man currently whining about not having a 'proper' garden anymore here in the city as covered in blood and viscera. Especially since he keeps swinging his and Yuji's clasped hands like a restless child and dropping absent kisses on Yuji's head, and Yuji is obviously so pleased by all these little displays of affection. It is sickening how cute these two are.

.......Nobara decides not to report Satoru's presence to the council yet. She has a very hard time believing this puppy-dog of a man is dangerous to humans.

(she's right. Satoru is utterly uninterested in hurting people, now that he's calmed down and learned that he only needs a few ounces of Yuji's blood once a month to stay alive. It does piss him off that monsters and other creatures of the night keep trying to seduce Yuji into following Sukuna's footsteps and becoming the prophesied Demon King who will destroy all of humanity. Who will make Satoru kikufuku if Yuji goes bad??? AND WHY DO ALL THESE OTHER VAMPIRES KEEP TRYING TO DRINK HIS HUSBAND'S BLOOD??????)

((Yuji just thinks it's funny that they keep trying, because Satoru is clearly the reason dead vampires keep turning up with "homewrecker" carved into their foreheads. when will they get the message that Yuji's a one-wife man?))

[aromantic-enjolras]

This is a Drink With Me gift for @gay-rad-desert! You asked for Courfeyrac and Marius, and. Well. This turned out a little heavier than I was expecting it to go, but I hope you can enjoy it anyway! I love these boys, and I was happy to do something for them <3

Marius is a good Christian boy. He is 20 year old virgin, still does altar boy duties, helps at his local church every Sunday. One day, when he's playing waiter at a church event, a beautiful young man (everyone notices when a man is beautiful, right??) comes sauntering by and starts flirting outrageously.

Courfeyrac, who is a rogue and a bit of a fuckboy, was walking around with some friends when he spotted a cute boy at a church event, and decided it would be very fun to try and get a fling out of this. If it turns out badly, Bahorel is in the nearest bar, and they are definitely enough to rescue him should the boy turn out to be a homophobic straight dude.

But then, instead of either responding to his flirting or getting pissed off and defensive, the cute boy looks at him with scared eyes and says "I'm not- I don't- I don't do that" in a voice so unconvincing that Courf immediately changes directions. This boy doesn't need a fuck. He needs a friend.

Marius is very relieved when the pretty boy seems to back off. "Okay. You don't do that. Do you do friends? Because I'd love to have one of those," he says, and it should have felt condescending, but he has such a disarming smile that Marius can't do anything but say "I guess I can do that, yes."

They don't hang out that much at first: Courfeyrac swings by a few church events, being friendly (but not overly friendly) and charming, and Marius enjoys his company a lot, but he also conspicuously never attends any masses, and people are starting to talk...

So he asks Courf if he would be up for coffee, and that's how they end up going out more and more together. Nothing big, nothing flashy, always public places, but it's just the two of them, and it feels so nice??

Courfeyrac is aware that he is on very shaky ground. He likes Marius now, and he wants to push him into being more comfortable with being gay, but he knows a false step and Marius will bolt. So he never hides the fact that he likes boys, but he only does it in very casual ways: never draws attention to it, lets Marius ignore it for as long as he needs to.

When Marius starts asking tentative follow-up questions, he takes his chance. "My friends and I have a queer space. Do you want to come by? No pressure, we can go at a weird hour, just have a coffee, talk to a few people. See for yourself."

Marius says yes, and that's how they end up going to the Musain, collectively-owned, alternative queer bar/café extraordinaire, at 4pm on a Thursday.

Everything seems to be going well, until Marius starts getting heated about God, and he makes a little speech of his own. "What is better than being loved by God?" he asks. "To be free." answers Combeferre.

And look, he is terrified of Combeferre, but he also can't help but admire the little he saw from the man, and he doesn't want to back down. Something draws him to these people, to that place, and if he can only convince them, if he can help bring them back to the light.... It can't be a sin, now, can it?

Slowly, very very slowly, he starts loosening up. He gets more relaxed, he enjoys himself, and where Courf made him comfortable with the idea of being around gays by letting him get passively used to it, these people challenge him, questioning his beliefs to his face.

It all comes to a head when he slips out of his house on a Saturday night. Courf is performing at the Musain for a drag show, and he has promised he will be there to cheer him on! And he does, and Courf is wonderful, and he has had a few drinks, and when a boy asks him to dance he is just high enough on the magic of the evening (and Courf's enthusiastic thumbs-up) that he goes for it. And then the boy kisses him.

And he can feel the panic grow in his throat, because a boy is kissing him, and he likes it. He likes it way more than he ever liked kissing Cosette, who he dated for years, who was pretty and funny and he thought he was going to marry someday. And this kiss, from a random man he doesn't even know, in a gay bar, feels so much better.

Courfeyrac shoos the man away, also in a panic, because he can see Marius' thousand yard stare from the other end of the bar. But it's too late: all Marius wants is to go home.

And he tries to rationalize it: maybe Courf just rubbed off on him. Maybe all this talk of gay people has influenced him. Maybe if he stops talking to all of them, if he doesn't think about it, the feelings will go away. But then he goes back to the church, to his old friends, and he realizes talking to them is not comforting anymore. He can't tell them anything that's bothering him. And now that he knows what it feels like, the idea of kissing men doesn't seem to go away: it only seems to grow stronger.

At last he ends up calling Courf, asking him to come over while his grandfather is away, and unloads everything on him. "I can't do this, Courf. I can't. You can be- you can be brave, and be you, and have it all, but I can't. I can't be- gay".

And Courf's heart is breaking, but what can he do? So he holds his friend, and comforts him, and tells him he is loved and worthy and that he's done nothing wrong; and that if push comes to shove, his door will always be open. "For a day, for a month, for a year. Anything you need. I promise."

And so, when Marius appears at his doorstep, one duffel bag on his shoulder and one suitcase dragging behind him, and says "I have come to sleep with you", he doesn't need to ask. He just smiles a sad smile, drags Marius into a hug, and lets him in. Into his life, and into his heart. Forever.

@drinkwithme-exchange

[hatsunevitu]

both kyle and cartman joined the debate club in high school. kyle thought it would help him with his public speaking skills and improve his critical thinking, meanwhile cartman was just looking for an opportunity to release the anger and stress he had and fucking destroy someone in a verbal fight.

and – uh-oh, such a coincidence – they both joined it at the same time without knowing it.

kyle was obviously pissed off, and he was actually thinking of quitting, because the idea of spending school hours arguing with cartman didn’t really seem appealing to him, but eventually his pride wouldn’t let him simply give up.

“I can be in any club I want, and I won’t let Cartman fucking ruin it for me! You’ll see, dude, he’ll drop out in one or two meetings when I absolutely win him in a debate!” as he then explained to stan.

kyle was preparing for the first debate harder than for any of his normal school activities. he would spend nights perfecting his reasoning and making a plan for his speech, until he was absolutely sure cartman had zero chances to win.

the theme was something controversial like, i’m not sure, politics or something, and kyle was totally sure that cartman would come unprepared, because he hates anything homework-like, and he ususally prefers improvising.

he was wrong, though, as cartman has been preparing. he entered the classroom with a small stack of papers with his reasoning on them, he was smiling brightly and joking, and kyle for the first time felt insecure about his skills. he felt rather nervous as he knew that cartman’s charisma and the ability to tell lies in the blink of his eye made kyle look worse in a debate, but he still hoped the teacher had some common sense and wouldn’t let cartman blind them with his confident smiles and fake politeness.

but the nervous anxious feeling in kyle’s chest wouldn’t go away, so when cartman started speaking, kyle couldn’t just stay quiet, sighing irritatedly when cartman said things like “violence is bad”. as kyle knew damn well that’s not what cartman actually thought.

so when the debate was coming to its end and cartman was giving another hypocritical speech, kyle just couldn’t be silent anymore, interrupting cartman with his new counter arguments (and adding some insults as well). cartman, of course, lost his temper too, and the constructive discussion instantly became a heated bickering. teachers tried to stop it but when kyle and cartman are fighting literally nothing can distract them.

cartman: Look, capitalism is just the natural way of things. It's the perfect system, without it everything would fall apart!

kyle: How can you be sooo blind and ignorant to everything?! Capitalism breeds inequality, it's the reason behind a lot of problems in our society, you just don't know it because you haven't experienced all the struggles, you fat privileged fuck!

cartman: Oh, I’m privileged?? Well, you’re just a whiny jew who can't handle the truth. You're just jealous your greedy ass can't make money yourself!

kyle: Shut up, Cartman, I’m warning you!

after a few antisemitic-fatphobic-homophobic slurs they were both kicked out and banned from entering the club again.

they both seemed disappointed and annoyed by it, but cartman had a smug smirk on his face, feeling proud of making kyle mad.

they wouldn’t stop their fight though, arguing all the way back home, without being pressured or watched, and kyle caught himself thinking that arguing with cartman is pretty, well, addicting and he might actually be enjoying it.

at the end they decided it’s a tie, and for the goodbye cartman says something like “Well, you’re annoying as fuck, but I gotta hand it to you, you’re good at debating. Who even needs that stupid club, anyway?”

and kyle smiles, nodding. “Next week, the same time” he says already walking away from Cartman.

and they meet again, choosing a topic and preparing for the debate by themselves because they don’t need a club to argue with each other.

[left-for-carrion]

roach's intro post :3c

blog tags:

roach's killer - gore/snuff stuff. block if you don't want to see that

roach's scars - sh stuff, please block this tag if you don't wish to see that sort of thing

roach's mutt - stuff about me being a mutt/petplay

roach's angel - stuff about me being an angel

roach's god - stuff about me being a god/my worshippers

roach's rambles - just random stuff not particularly kink related

roach's doctor - med kink stuff

roach's stalker - stalking fantasy stuff

roach's robot - robotic kink stuff

DNI:

Minors, please don't get me arrested dudes

Pro-contact zoophiles [petplay/people who identify as animals are welcome]

Pro-contact pedophiles [ageplay, fauxcest, incest welcome]

Racists

People who sexualize disorders they don't have

RadFem

Homophobes/LGBTQ+ophobes

Transphobes

Anti-therian/anti-kin

Zionists

People who support Israel/Are against Palestine

!Warning!

This blog is fucking heavy, sh, gore, stalker stuff, ect. exists here.

Don't like, don't look. Don't say I didn't warn you. Buzz off if you don't wanna be friends or exist peacefully with me.

I will continuously edit this, so always check if there's something you wanna know or feel free to ask, I don't bite [without permission]

I'm Roach on this blog, usually Opium on anon. If you came looking and see this, hi, you found me <3

I'm the god of mutilation of the self and others, your angel [if you want] and a mutt that needs to be put down.

I'm really off-putting and aware of it, just not sure how to fix it, I apologize :']

Also askgame masterpost: [everything I'm particapting in atm]

About me:

I'm 22, an adult, so no minors please. At all. I don't wanna get arresteddddddd- I use it/its only agender, pansexual, poly. Don't they/them me if you know me. I'm NOT HUMAN IN ANY WAY. In RP, I will absolutely describe myself as a monster/angel/whatever is related. If that's not your thing, then lemme know, but don't refer to me as human outside of rp.

Fultist, come worship me <3

Not dating anyone and open to anyone even if I am. [Although, if you want me all to yourself, you better tell me quick <3]

I'm mainly T4T, but not exclusively

Always open to roleplay

Fantasy/Scene stalker and stalkee [CNC]

Very lapsed Catholic, so things will have that religous flavor, sorry-

An absolute slut for fighting kinks <3 [please fight me, please kill me-]

I do do pictures/nudes, only in DMs and with mutuals. Mutuals, feel free to make requests <3<3<3

I have ADHD, BPD, severe anxiety, and several undiagnosed things. I am nonverbal irl.

I use Discord, if you wanna talk on an alt social media

Feel free to DM me anything, anything at all, and asks are always open

I'm a service dom, a service sub, and anything harsh we do will be full of fondness because I'm insane and down bad for anyone that gives me attention. Still insanely messed up depending on the thing, but it'll be full of love <3

Also, you can guess at what my anatomy is, I switch with every post. Anything goes, just your personal preference I guess. Dick, cock, hole, whatever. I don't really care.

Kinks list:

[Faves in bold] 

[Not complete, anything not in limits is open]

[What I’m craving has ♡ next to it]

Fighting/Arena/Ring ♡

Worship

Cannibalism

Petplay

Robot/Objectum*

Medical

Intoxication

Fauxcest [Sibling/parent <3]

Public Sex

Plushie Transformation

Role reversal ♡

Overstimulation

Edging

Piss, anything related to piss ♡

Stalker/Stalking ♡

Woundfucking ♡

Snuff ♡

Body modification

CNC [The word rape is allowed, I don't personally use it much however]

Object Insertion

Knife Play ♡

Forcemasc [not receiving, just love turning people <3]

Forcefem [Also not receiving <3]

Primal [Pred, although idm prey]

Limits:

[you can still follow if you like these, I just don't wanna do anything related to them]

[All of these are hard, I have no soft boundaries as of this post, so no negotiations]

Detrans from a non-trans person [if you’re trans, welcome <3]

Human Pregnancy

Race play

Orientation play

I do participate in fandom, I know I know, so disappointing, so occasionally I reblog/talk about things from:

Hannibal NBC

Ultrakill

Vocaloid [Purely for Miku <3]

Portal 1 & 2

Wowowowowowowow you made it to the end, ily <3 Thank you for reading :3

[sweatandwoe]

4, 6, 16, 31

4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms?

Probably when I was a teenager, like tumblr pre-2018 was a hell hole. A wonderful, filled with content hell hole, but dear god it was still a hell hole. At least on my end.

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

UHHHH, I haven't really written for many other fandoms besides Arcane and Star Wars but here are some OTPs from fandoms I like in no order besides me remembering them

World of Warcraft: Tyrande/Malfurion, Jania/Slyvanas (there's some good fics out there rip), Jania/Tyrande (I just wanna see her happy in the arms of a lady love), Vol'jin/Tyrathan Khort, Slyvanas/Nathanos (but only from Makaniart's art, that's the entire reason for my shipping of that), Wrathion/My Pussy, also Vol'jin/My pussy

Star Wars: OCs/OCs (seriously I write this stuff still, I just won't ever post it, it's my little happy series), My Swtor characters/Lana, Padme/Ani, Mando/Reader, Obi-Wan/Reader, Darth Maul/Reader (pretty much any main dude /reader)

LOTR: Gimli/Legolas (read an entire 150k fic one time about it. God it was good), Aragorn/Arwen

Mass Effect: SHAKARIAN

Dragon Age: Solas x F!Trevalyan (I may have spelled that wrong. Also please see @designfailure56's sibbe x solas content and tell me it's not cute. I dare ya), Solas x Anyone really (used to hate the egg, but now egg is cute. and also a pain in the ass still, but still) Ironbull/Inquisitor, Morrigan/HoF, Hawke/Fenris

Asoiaf: Brienne/Jamie, Margery/Sansa, Dany/Sansa, Viserys/Getting pegged

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike?

For any fandom my number one NOTP is:

Arthas x Jania or Thrall x Jania. if she wanted a man she'd have a man, simple.

For Arcane, any Proshipping ones, and I'm not the biggest Ca!tv! fan (I will write about them being together because I do like them it's more like Riot held them back and you can tell, and it makes me sad. I don't feel like they got enough confirmation for people's reactions if that makes sense? Like if the genders were reversed, we'd be talking about the biggest queer baiting in history, because they don't even kiss in the show or get confirmed as a couple. And I want it to be, but I hate riot tip toeing around it. Having their cake and eating it too kinda shit.)

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?

Answered already over here!

[caustic-light]

hello! i wanted to ask what“adult sexual mentors” means?? like dude the way its phrased, that does sound like straight up grooming. maybe im misunderstanding what you meant, idk

No it doesn't sound like grooming even in the most egregious interpretation. None of ya'll know what the fuck grooming is.

Grooming is when an adult manipulates a child in order to gain their trust and make them sexually available. Call teenagers looking for sexual experiences with adults however good or bad you want, but it's not grooming.

Also I am talking about some different things, including actually having sex, but also existing in sexually charged places. Like it or not but it is what it is. And I'm getting pissed off at the constant implication by ppl on that post to push extremely modern norms onto times from decades ago, as well as validate the age based difference between teenageers and adults.

Being queer is something that can fundamentally disrupt the flow of development and leave you to have to make all these experiences we seek as teenagees as an adult. We of all ppl shouldn't be scandalized by relationships that extend below the magical 18. (Aka the age where the military deems you fit to die for them and nothing else happens).

To treat teenagers seeking community and sex as being groomed is one of the most infantilizing and frankly blind to reality ways to approach that topic. When the options are limited and possibilities we have today straight up do not exist, sometimes the smallest evil is the right choice. I much prefer teenagers learning about sex and having sex on their own terms than being forced to supress themselves only to later try to catch up on experiences they could have had at the time when they actually sought them out and regret not having had the chance while juggling adult life.

This is not advocating for anything. Me saying this will get cropped out of any screenshots making it onto some dumb callout anyway but I still feel the need to specify that. We do not live in those times anymore. Stating that things used to be different is not an endorsement for anything and if you wanna know genuine oppinions on how to treat teenagers now you won't get them unless I feel motivated to write a novel length essay about it.

So don't go fucking putting things in my mouth I never said.

Also this discussion is very american. If you told a non homophobic european like "queer teens used to seek sex with adults a bunch" literally nobody would bat a fucking eye because it would seem obvious.

[dangan-happy]

<pass: Okay, hear me out: Another killing game. Huh? Whaddya think?> tw: homophobia + transphobia mention

for Kiyotaka, Mondo and/or Hifumi: um, hello there. I'm a trans guy and I'm also attracted to other guys, and, well, I'm pretty scared of coming out. My parents are both homophobic and transphobic, and so is, well, almost everyone in my class (I've only come out to my friends because we're all gay and one of them is also a trans guy). I remember one person who used to be in my class was beaten up for being gay, and my parents always talk about how "these people need mental help" and "are delusional". I'm tired of being misgendered and all that but, to be honest, I don't think I can come out to any of them. I know if I do, it won't go well at all. Um, can I have a hug please?

Coming out ain't the easiest thing to do, sorry that you're feeling afraid of even being able to express yourself. But luckily enough, things these days are pretty accepting. Unfortunately, there are a lot of pricks out there that are still transphobic and of course, homophobic. That really bites dude, I can't even imagine what kind of fear must be flowing through your body dude. Especially when your parents say disgusting things like people a part of the LGBTQ+ "needs help". I'll never be able to understand why people think that, what's so wrong about being in love with someone of the same gender? Or really, what's so wrong about being in love and being a part of the LGBTQ+...I don't fucking get it. You already know that pisses me off, right? It has to be obvious, I can't even begin to explain how angry I feel...

It angers me that you have to live in fear at the moment because you know that they're going to treat you like garbage. You don't even need to ask, of course you can have a hug bud. I know you need one more than ever. Being misgendered shouldn't be something that happens if it's making you uncomfortable, but I can also see why you're afraid. Really dude, I hope things improve and you're able to come out in some way. But...take your time, got it?

~

I-I can't even begin to understand..how someone can be so horrid when it comes to someone coming out...why...no, how can be people be so cruel. Really, I understand Mondo's anger and genuinely understand his words. I don't normally get angered to a degree where I would want to hurt another but some people get far too close to tilting me towards that very point. Everyone should be allowed to be comfortable in whatever body they are in, going by what they desire...there's nothing wrong with someone being...happy.

DUDE! That's completely uncool, yea I've been showing up a lot more, haven't I?! Well, that happens when you've got someone pretty bad making another person feel that disgusting despair. I agree with bro! You deserve to at least take your time with coming out, whether that be now or whenever you're able to move out and be away from your parents. If I could give a few words to your darn parents...I would. And someone got beat up simply for being gay? This world is crazy these days...but dude, you can have a hug! Absolutely.

Yeah, I’d say you shouldn’t come out to them, I know it hurts to not be able to fully express who you are, but it’s best not to for your safety. One day, once you’ve moved out and feel safe, you could try to come out to them. Just make sure you come out when you are safe and comfortable. At the very least, you have friends who still support you for who you are!

Even though people do tend to be more accepting now, unfortunately there are still people who aren’t so kind. If they aren’t accepting, it isn’t worth your time to try and get them to understand. Don’t let others dictate who you are, because no matter what others may think, you are still you. You are valid the way you are. Any hurtful words they say should mean nothing, be confident in yourself! In the end, they can’t change you, no matter what! It may be difficult to hide who you really are, but it won’t always be this way. Just stay strong! Oh! And yes, you may get a hug from me, Mr. Anon!

[justlookfrightened]

Hi! I don't know if you still do prompts, but if you do, what about a rarepair if you're into it? I quite like whiskeydex

Okay, this is like, pre- pre-whiskeydex. But I can definitely see it getting there.

“Bitty’s looking for you,” Dex said, settling on the bench next to Whiskey.

“You going to tell him where to find me?” Whisk asked, his tone meant to be challenging.

“Nope,” Dex said. “Just carrying the message.”

They sat in silence for a full minute, both gazing at the pond. Looking at it always made Dex miss the ocean, big and powerful and terrifying in a way this tame little lake could never be. Sometimes it was hard to believe they were both made of water.

“What does he want anyway?” Whiskey said. “I’ve been at every practice, working hard. I’m leading the team in points. What does he fucking want?”

Dex snorted.

“Your undying love and devotion?” he suggested.

That drew a snicker from Whiskey, which suddenly made Dex feel he’d been mean.

“Nah,” he said. “I think he has a new pie flavor for you to try. He’s still trying to pin down your favorite.”

Whiskey shook his head.

“He’s a hockey captain,” Whiskey said. “How is he doing his best to ruin everyone’s nutrition plan?”

“You don’t have to eat a lot of it,” Dex pointed out.

“I just … when I told him I didn’t have a favorite, that wasn’t an invitation to make every variety under the sun and make me try them to come up with a favorite,” Whiskey said. “Can’t he leave well enough alone?”

“Apparently not,” Dex said.

Dex knew he should follow Whiskey’s advice and leave well enough alone. He could get up off the bench now, walk away, let Whisk return to the Haus – or not – and face Bitty – or not – on his own.

But Whiskey was a good guy. He reminded Dex of himself in a lot of ways: quiet and private and maybe a little too quick to judge the world and find it wanting. It didn’t hurt that he was hot, and the best hockey player at Samwell since Jack, and, apparently, into guys.

Dex sat in silence a moment longer, then said, “You know when I first got here, Bitty and everyone else thought I was a homophobic prick?”

“But, you’re like his kitchen buddy now.”

“Yeah, well, on my taddy tour I expressed some surprise that Bitty was on the team instead of the manager, and at the amount of baking going on. And after I got here Bitty kept fainting on the ice … and I had a Samwell Republicans sticker on my laptop.” Dex shrugged. “That was before He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named was even running.”

“Okay?”

“Anyway, Bitty  was pretty standoffish with me at first,” Dex continued.

“Must have been nice,” Whiskey said. “Although making assumptions about you was kind of a dick move on his part.”

“Him and everyone else. And I dunno,” Dex said. “I did kind of act like I had a problem with the only out guy on the team, and it looked like my problem was based on some of his … less manly-man characteristics. And as soon as I moved an inch towards him, he was all open arms.”

“Let me guess: You helped bake something.”

“Sort of,” Dex said. “I fixed the oven, then I made bread. Then I found out out I could be really good friends with him, despite him fitting every gay stereotype that would have gotten him beaten up in my high school.”

“Dude, were you homophobic?”

“Not in the classic sense,” Dex said. “But definitely afraid. Because if Bitty was what a gay hockey player was like, I didn’t want it.”

Dex let that hang for a minute.

“Wait,” Whiskey said. “You’re … I didn’t know that. Are you not out? At all? Why? At Samwell?”

“Probably the same reason you’re not out,” Dex said. “Didn’t think it was anyone’s business.”

Whiskey’s face had paled.

“Did Bitty tell you?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“Then how —“

“Bitty wasn’t the only one at the party. If you make out with a dude in a crowded room, people who know you are gonna notice.”

“One of the waffles?”

Dex nodded.

“He came to me because he was worried about you, especially after you stopped talking to Bitty. You should know Bitty wouldn’t out you. All those things I said would get him beaten up in my high school? They did get him beat up in his high school. He wasn’t even out to his parents until he kissed Jack on TV. But maybe because of that, he wants everyone to know they can come to him if they need to.”

“Then why was he so pissed about the party?”

“I’m guessing it was more the party, not the boyfriend,” Dex said. “But you’d have to ask him.”

“Not a boyfriend,” Whiskey said. “Not anymore. He was upset that I ran away, thought I was ashamed of him.”

“Were you?”

“Not really,” Whiskey said. “Maybe ashamed of getting caught sneaking around.”

He slumped forward. “I really handled this badly.”

“Yup,” Dex said. That sounded harsh, so he added, “Seems like it, at least, but it’ll work out. Just maybe try not treating Bitty like he has the plague, and you’ll be okay. If he asks something you don’t want to tell, just say it’s private. He’ll respect it. He’ll just chatter more about himself.”

“I guess. Want to go try a new kind of pie?” Whiskey asked.

“Sure,” Dex said. “If Bitty made it, it’s bound to be good.”

They started walking back to the Haus together.

“Just so you know,” Dex said. “I don’t have a boyfriend either.”

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:45pm, i like to occasionally collapse in life and not do anything, to avoid putting myself in intensely draining situations, and end up procrastinating on things longer than truly necessary.

Thursday, February 6th of 2020.

And hence, that's why it's another day of sweaty hands, tangled split ends all over my head, and depression. Lovely.

What's pissing me off?

My ex is going to Santa Cruz this weekend..... I don't know, something about that is upsetting. Maybe since his friend Cam, (who is a pretty cool dude, hes nice as heck,) hit me up when me and my ex got back together, hella excited at the idea of both of us heading back out there like we had for the big Halloween party. Cam had literally said, "So don't break up until then!" ... Four days later, guess what, bitch? And now, even though my ex was eating my pussy a few days before and promptly nutting in under 8 strokes, making out, and cuddling... I'm still single as fuck. And, sadly have to miss on the epic highs and lows of being around college kids, miles away from home..... What's sad is also since I had loved that road trip, too. That was when Patrick bought me flowers. I kept holding the lillies and smiling the whole way there. It was so nice..... He was a nice person before.

The normal dilemma of "oh cool, had a great relationship with a mess of a human being for a boyfriend, who ruined it". Or the alternative description of the dilemma, "I really liked this guy, but alas, him being a dumbass, along with his unnecessarily paranoid best friend, lead to it all breaking down at once". Its a special type of hurt. Rebuilding trust in a relationship, after an already bad first initial breakup.... And before the glue on the trust even dries, someone else drives a fucking mini van through it and annihilates me right along with it. FUUUUUUN. We love a queen who at least gave things a shot when no one else would!

I keep thinking about us fucking. Not even the most recent day, but other times, like in his car, in his bed. The really good times, the really bad times... Its odd, seeing how much he changed over our relationship. It went from nutting before he even got it in, to me deadass making him a tray of brownies for the insanity that was sex with him.... How the hell was that the same person? Huh. Goes to show, nothing bad comes from telling someone without experience ways to make you nut-

My room is a mess. I bought food, non perishables, and havent eaten them. They're all in bags in my room, untouched. Why do i even bother grocery shopping? Its just "fallback food", and not even good shit. If I've got money in my bank account, I'm buying a roasted chicken bao, and not busting open a can of Campbells Steak and Potatoes...... (It tastes...... extremely sickening.)

I only have to work weekends. Why do I stress so much about what to do during the other 5 days? The other five days, I spend sleeping, on twitter, on instagram, or wiggling my clit. Would be nice to have hobbies..... and stick with them.

The amount of money I spend on products to try and succeed at whatever new goal I make, and then promptly overworking myself, and talking down to myself, before I flop.

HOW DO I FLIRT WITH WOMEN? Men are easy, it's kinda gross, most will kinda fuck any woman that they come across. (My ex is that type, oh gross.) But women???? Are really pretty. And like???? I dont know how to flirt with women. All i know is mock flirting, eat hot chip, and lie. And i know how to slide in the dms like a fuckboy, due to lots of experience with those..... So, trying to keep it together and just avoid girls I like, until i perish, like homophobes want.

Alright, glad I got that off my chest.

I hope Cam and them are okay. I think Jasper and Marcus don't like me, but thats alright. The situation between me and their friend got super fucked, so I dont expect them to even care all that much about some tipsy clown that came to their Halloween party, tweeting about how their friend is a dickhead, you know?

Cam and Audrey are still chill, though. I feel so bad for not talking to Audrey! Shes so dope. I would have preferred to meet her, not in the context of me dating one of her old roommates.....

3:07pm. Just messaged her.

Still weird, I have no idea how I started following her OR Patrick, in the first place? It was amusing when I was first dating Patrick, and he was like, "Now you can finally meet Audrey."

I was like, "HOLY SHIT I FORGOT YALL WERE MUTUALS??? YALL WERE ROOMMATES?????"

And they were roommates!

Oh, my god, they were roommates.

....

Yes, that a vine. :)

I wonder if when I read these someday in the future, am I gonna be old and decrepit? Will I even get my own reference?

To future me: I am sorry if you don't understand this. And sorry to my future grandkids, who will definitely not understand the humor behind 7 second long videos. And to me, yet again, since.... i bet that you'll get side eyed by those little shits if you tried to explain what that was to them.

Are there slurs for old people in the future? Am I gonna be told, "OK, GEN Z" by whatever asshole kids of my kids are made someday?

And if I don't have kids..... Oh well, that's my choice! Life is life.

.....

3:13pm, I went on a tangent there.... Oh well.

I didn't tell yall about how the hookup went. For those in 2020, its none of your business. But for me in 2080, or something, ill write about it.

In a nutshell, nigga acted like he forgot how sex worked in a single month of separation.

And our separation was barely even seperate. It was like, a week and a half or so, then me showing up to his porch, asking for my Christmas gift back.

Then pretty much a series of "I'm going to block your number", almost immediately followed up by "Well, actually maybe we can hang out in broad daylight, like twice a week or so, and see from there?", and then transitioning from "Hell no. Absolutely not. Sex is too emotional, and always gets emotional. That sounds like a terrible idea," to "Well.... I can *picture* it, and i find you attractive, buuuuut.... i mean, we should talk about it some other time."

To us in his bedroom, and me saying "no homo" before tackling him and officially getting it on.

(The no homo rule works for anything. I think ive finally grew as a person, since i no longer fear intimacy with a person, or have to say no homo before asking certain things... i just ask, and dont care if they interpret things as potentially romantic or whatever... I didn't notice i stopped doing that, until now, lmfao.)

He's a really inconsistent person. Why did I even like him? If he's the type to make promises he cant keep and say statements that wouldn't even hold up a week later, why should i trust him about anything?

Since sure, all it took to get us back together that one night was a super long venting session with me asking every big question to him inside of his car, not having arguments, and making him feel comfortable.

But if alo of that can collapse over one party and one toxic friend he wanted to keep around instead of me, then its not me being the problem here.... Its him, having the emotional integrity of a deck of cards during a hurricane.

(Not even a hurricane, more like the lightest blow of air will make that nigga fold like a panini. What a bitchmade ass guy, dude.)

And even though i did that all in the pursuit of liking him, he sure as hell didnt do it for me.

The only reason i still somewhat stay in touch, is since.... to an extent, we have started to get back to a state of comfort.

We hooked up. It went from awkward, to sexy, to natural, to him nutting fast as fuck with the hardest dick he has ever had, to awkward-ish again..... to "fuck it, no homo but im cuddling with both arms", to just... I dunno, laying there, looking at each other's faces in bed.

We didnt talk about deep shit. Nigga was just holding me, butt ass nekkid, talking about using knockoff CVS Neutrogena.

.....

Pause.

I just realized... I've always been guilted by men for not "saying what i wanted", despite how obvious I was.

Not a fan of that.

If he pulls that card, so help me GOD......

.....

Back to the story.

Also, music. Since I'm writing this with the sounds of Judge Jerry on TV blasting, due to my grandmother. I don't need "I FOUND URINE IN THE FLOORBOARDS, YOUR HONOR", in my fucking ears.

I hate this song a little. Listened to it nonstop when the breakup happened.

But its a good jam, aye.

Back to the story, fucks sake.

We made out. Cuddled. Did that weird, but nice, thing where we stared at eachother for a few minutes. I definitely see him in non-rose colored glasses....... Still a nice jawline. His eyes look more grey than blue, maybe even hazel in the center. A good dude.

Then somehow hours passed, so we just walked his dog around the block, as we talked about horror movies, and about how Zootopia probably has dealt with interspecies children before, so the Zootopia Abortion Comic doesn't make any sense. (A fox + a bunny = giving birth to an Eevee. Checkmate, athiests.)

And then he drove me home. I told him about my BlackArtistsOnly music challenge for Black History Month. He recommended me some pretty dope artists. I gotta listen to some of them. And then when I left his car, he seemed.... Off, but still good.

I don't know if he expected a kiss goodbye before I left, but I'd understand why. Hell, if our romantic routine was similar to how the day had went, I can't be shocked if he did. But, whatever, i could just be picturing things.

So, that definitely is a step up from when it was just us meeting for Wingstop, and him leaving less than 40 minutes after we meet very abruptly, then me taking an uber home, just to cry at how much things changed.

Going from "pretty much a stranger now" to "similar guy as before, but geez, he knows how to build walls up high", is... a weird transition. But, it happens fam.

I just kept climbing the walls and ignoring hurdles, since if the visible end game was "We CAN be good friends, and not give up on even just hanging or banging like before"..... then, yeah. I continued. And succeeded.

Since oh look, we successfully had a day where I didn't cry, we had intimacy without major talks about problematic things being had. Was actually civil AND chill, shit went well. What more can one ask for, out of a fwb?

It went well. :)

.....

I think I was hurt the other day; admittedly.

I think he ignored my messages for hella hours....... I didn't pester him; or double text. But, shit was not very fun.

I eventually just called him up to say hey, and he was being a total asshole about it. Wouldnt say why. And asked him if he wanted to see Battle Royale; since when we fucked, he said that he never saw the film before. And when we were texting afterwards, he claimed Japanese Horror films are better than American. (Agreed.... I digged this dude a lot since we agreed a lot on super niche things and specific interests. Like, who else to spend time watching subbed international movies with for a night?)

But he said he rescheduled therapy, and would be gone all weekend for Santa Cruz.

Sure, I'm at peace with it now, (thanks to a successful date the other night, a shopping spree, and other,) but damn, hurt to hear that he was gonna see his cool buds again.

This time, without me. Without a two hour long road trip with me there. No pre-trip McDonalds, scaring strangers in traffic with my full face of Joker makeup on. And upon arrival, no me getting drunk and telling his friends about the time I was sent a removed human genitalia in the mail to me. Or making a huge chain of people sitting on each other's lap, for the worlds strangest photo op.

What could've been, isn't. Since he broke up with me that night, and that reality is gone.

.....Ouch, man.

Will it hurt him the same way? Is he just gonna spend two hours listening to NPR, riding in silence, or think about how things had been last time I went with him?

I doubt it will, but there's no way to know. I wouldn't wanna ask. Other than hoping he has a good time or not, then, i cant control if a nigga cries over me or not.

.....

I can't believe I hooked up with him again.

Short term confidence in the fact that I got to smash someone, and them being aroused by me? Yeah.

Them still leaving me on read? Of course.

I expected that.

At least the mild enjoyment of the hookup, hangout, and texting was good.

I just.... Hmm.

It's not me expecting him to date me again.

Hell, the other day when telling someone else about how the breakup had went, they said, "If he called you and asked to get back together with you right now, what would you say?"

I said something along the lines of "theyre a piece of shit if they tried", and "but, despite how disgusted i would be by them, id make it clear that it would take a fuckton for me to ever get on the same level of trust with them again that way."

And, its true.

Since even if Patrick came outside my house right now, with a boombox, blasting some terrible song like Crimewave by Crystal Castles to summon me outside the house.... yeah, id go outside and make out with him. No question.

But dating would be..... Yeah, still a lot of trust was ruined. If it wasnt ruined by the birthday incident, it was DEFINITELY tarnished by the guilt of the violence, pulling teeth in terms of getting him to actually be honest with me for once in his fucking life, and the several, (several,) incidents of him being hesitant to try things... that we are doing now, which went 100x times better than he imagined.

So in a nutshell, "him making everything, from the breakup and basic communication and respect, to him being constantly hesitant and pessimistic, rude, or blatantly a fucking asshole..... way harder than it ever had to be, is what stopped that hookup from us being a thing yet again."

Two and a Half Men said something on TV, which made me pause in writing.

"When your dog dies, you dont make a list. You bury it, plant a shrub over it, tell the kids that hes running around a farm somewhere, and move on."

Overall, he makes it hard to tell if he wants to bury us or not.

He seemed adamant about it. Adamant about a lot of things. And now a month later, if i asked his stance on the things he was so hard about, you'd see him furrow how brow at even the idea of following things he said before. (i.e., "should you stop giving me rides/fucking me/hanging out"? hed probably agree if he thought it was what i wanted, but would brow furrow the same.)

Since it definitely gives mixed signals if the same night he told me he was definitely not going to see me again, immediately then went on to..... yknow, genuinely mentioned wanting to continuously keep seeing me. Normal people usually don't say that after terrible physical altercations with the girl that they dumped. I question why he had said that. Like.... none of the potentials work that well.

I'll just upset myself, so, i better not think about it.... but admittedly, fear must have been a factor. Thats.... not... a great reason.... to try and see someone. If he dumped me that night entirely, then i most likely would have just wrote on here about how much i had hated him. (And, guilt for how things went.)

It just is odd to go, "You know what? I'm gonna spontaneously bring up paying for my ex girlfriend's therapy, seeing her during the week, and so forth."

....

I feel terrible remembering things too much.

I would leave out things when i write on here, but that, paired with memory loss, is like erasing history to me.

6:20pm. Paused from writing an hour ago. I asked him. He said it was 80% fear.

Not sure if I get his logic, but I mean... alright.

I don't get the point of trying to keep around someone you're afraid of, but ill just chalk it up to "hes a pussy", and "i was also very emotionally unstable that night, so it was understandable to be afraid of what a person might do next".

I hated it; mainly since he sounded overly sincere with the way he asked. Even I thought it was strange, suggesting that so soon.

Since if a guy gets attacked and tells me he's going to indefinitely block me, then fine. Understandable. Not a fan of it, definitely not....

But then the way he suddenly shifted to wanting to talk things through. And apologize, and whatever. Was.... odd.

I even told him that night that it was waaaaay too soon to be idealizing about ways to see me. Like bro, it wasnt even past five minutes of me trying to whack you on the head? Give it time; Stockholm Syndrome is a thing......

(Especially since I could tell WHY he was, and describing to me the ways we could meet and whatever..... was gonna get my hopes up. I didnt need to be hurt, and i also reassured him that it was definitely too soon to suggest such a big commitment to me in terms of seeing me after a big moment like that went down.)

I'm grossed out hearing him say the truth. But, not like i expected any different. I just expected to hear "since i was afraid you would do something", but not "it was done out of 80% fear."

God.... eugh.

Whatever. No other option but to live with myself. I beat myself up too bad about it. I don't think abuse or violence should be condoned. (I sure the fuck didnt like some of the cruel shit being implied by him either, but violence was not the answer.)

He was fine. I was fine. And we got past it. If he agreed out of fear before, then he seems to decently trust me these days.

.....

But does he? He didn't tell me about Santa Cruz, for whatever reason. He's.... Eh.

Why do I even care? He's secretive, constantly impolite, and never grateful for anything in his life until its gone.

The only guy I know who would literally ask me to hold him as he cries so dramatically, just to dump me. Wouldn't give me back a fucking index card painting I made him, telling me both that are relationship was hopeless, but that he wanted to sentiment it heavily. (Fuck you, you dickhead! That was the only shit you had to do, and I would have moved on, happily, knowing you didnt have something heartfelt i had given just to overall call our relationship worthless two days later..... God, i hate him.)

I should have just stayed gone when I first dumped him. If he wanted to cry into his IKEA bed and weep to all his friends, "boo hoo, my girlfriend dumped me for keeping secrets and for defending a bitch who keeps being shady as fuck", then i should have let his ass cry, and stayed gone.

Hes such an asshole.

I don't regret the sex, though. It was not great, but, it got the job done.

Some orgasms.

Mild ego.

Somewhat sexual attraction to my ex, with a decent lack of emotional attachment to the guy.

....

My ex is such a weirdo.

It's why I disliked him, yet liked him, when we first hooked up. The overall vibe of "hes really hot, and pretty sweet, but hes got the emotional range of a stick."

Its kind of sad. I mean..... I don't know, hes got potential to be something popping. And it seems like he self sabotages himself. So much.

And now here I am, foolishly trying to expect a stick to be anything but a stick.

......

I never wanted things to be like this.

I avoided dating him, since:

I didn't want to be disappointed if he couldn't do basics in a relationship that anyone else could.

I didn't want to overwhelm someone incapable of giving love or security to a person with standards they could never meet.

The relationship surprised me, since:

He ended up being better than most of my exes, when he showed he actually liked me enough to show me the effort I wanted.

He seemed like he got the hang of it, and wasnt struggling to be emotionally available/honest/happy.

The relationship ended twice, because:

He showed me he was incapable of truly trusting me.

He's conflict avoidant.

Untrustworthy.

Never offers resolutions and prefers to push problems down, hoping theyll be forgotten, instead of realizing that problems only worsen if they are not directly met with confrontation and resolution being provided.

At the simple and fucking blatant request of "telling me would let me know how to resolve things or potentially make things better so she could be comfortable speaking to me, and so things can improve, and i could trust her and vice versa", nigga literally refused and made it blatantly clear..... even if it could be something positive, his ego would make him refuse any sort of resolution. Ive met people like that.... the relationships turned very "they get every single thing their way, or let the gaslighting and abuse begin" veeeeeery soon.

Since really nigga, why be shocked that I'm not happy at you refusing every single resolution, opportunity, or even the SLIGHTEST fucking attempt to better things? It made it clear he was gonna be a terrible boyfriend. If he can demand the right to put so little effort into his girlfriend being able to feel comfortable or trusting of him? Looking back that night, I loved our relationship, but i had never been more upset at him than i was that night.... Everything i said, in one ear and out of the other one. Christ, dude.

If I write anything more, I'll get pissed. :)

6:57pm.

I tend to write the good and the bad moments, since he is an odd guy.

All his signs point to "not interested or worthy or prepared for what comes with having an exclusive relationship with someone he would care about".

And his dick points to ME.

And his ability to actually follow any promise he makes, is usually gone with the wind in terms of what someone else wants. (Which i find fucked up, but clearly he does nothing to ever check on himself.)

So, if I can envision a vibe, and I want a vibe, and the only thing preventing a decent looking guy who I slightly resent sometimes, from being both inside me, in his house, or doing the things id like in a friendship like we have......

Is:

Waiting to establish trust and peace between us in a way that is more than just intense indifference between me and him

Setting boundaries

A few good hangouts with no expectations

Unabashed honesty

And being hot (this doesnt even need to be added, i already have this shit going always)

Then.... hell, why not. I was already gonna be mildly angsty, bored, horny, and needing to get out the house anyways.

So thats why i went there.

And here we are. Manifested shit. Got it.

He couldn't picture it, and i did. See how well that went? Oh look, nobody died at you hanging out with me. The world didnt end at us talking about Uncut Gems and painting. Your dick didnt fall off when you had gotten head! Maybe, just maybe, i am an amazing individual with no downsides.

No "maybe", even. Its just a pure fact.

And he doesnt see that; hence, why I was at home during his birthday party, and he was getting drunk.

Hence why I'm at home, all sweaty and bored, instead of anxiously texting him, happily, about what to bring to Santa Cruz.

I wouldn't be single, if not for him.

I would've been at that party, or having my texts read, if I was something he saw actual potential in.

......

All I can say is....

If I stay, it's since I see something there. Even if not a romance, since he sucks at those, once it means defending me or actually showing value in me over the toxic ass bitches stalking my ass over some shit that he admits was the highest level of bullshit.....

It's something somewhat desired. Not him, but something.

And if I leave, it's since I'm tired of him.

Nothing more to say, just that.

7:21pm. I did good today. Went shopping and out and about the night before, and didnt feel any misery. When i felt impending doom and depression trying to creep in, i went "lets go to sleep", and slept. Woke up fine, even if a little salty.

Made some new friends. Thanked the ones that I have known for years, ever since my junior year of high school, for being around. Told them i loved them. They told me it back. I adore them. ❤

And tomorrow, I get pedicures with my boss. I feel good. :)

Thats all.

Peace out, yalls. :)

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Marlene

Ali: Hey babe, sorry I missed rehearsal, know you rocked it regardless  💋 Marlene: Kind of need our lead singer to do that. Instrumental wasn't the vision for the track, babygirl Marlene: Where did you have to be? We could've rescheduled Ali: I know, I know, my bad! Make it up to you Ali: Ugh, got detention, didn't I Ali: don't even get me started on that Marlene: Make it up to me alone or me and the band? Marlene: Little rebel Marlene: Can't have you getting in more trouble by ditching, can we? Marlene: I'll add in another rehearsal, the girls won't mind Ali: Why not both? Ali: Come over and I'll record the vocals for you Ali: You know it boo 👩🏼‍🎤 Ali: Exactly, even though I'm fully staging a protest tomorrow Marlene: That's my girl Marlene: I'll be there front and centre, lending my voice to the movement Ali: Aww, so supportive Ali: cute 😉 Ali: I've rallied all the usual suspects so it shouldn't be a flop Ali: we have the allotted hours, like, if they fail to control us in 'em, why add more, yeah? pointless, where's the logic Marlene: Making me so proud to have you on my arm Ali: As you should be Ali: Though that arms not bad 💪 Marlene: I wouldn't be the best bassist in this shithole if it was Ali: One track mind 😏 SUCH a bassist Ali: don't you ever break that focus? Marlene: It has been known Marlene: For the right girl Ali: Introduce me to her some time, yeah? Ali: Get some tips Marlene: You know her pretty well Marlene: The name's Alison, like the song Ali: So soft Ali: Still say we do a Elvis Costello and Dolly mashup Ali: idc what you say, Jolene is a bop and you need to own it Marlene: If I can hear you do an original Elvis cover, I'll think about it Ali: Fine, I'll happily sing about myself all day Ali: can even get the accent down, thanks Ma Marlene: I'll be waiting for that Marlene: The girls are asking if you need posters or anything else for the protest? Anything to stick around and drink more Ali: Patience, babe Ali: Gotta save these pipes for the protest Ali: Feel free to go for their lives, like Ali: Bear in mind if they use too many expletives, the School ain't gonna listen tho Ali: creative language, not colourful, ladies Marlene: No promises on getting them to dial back the reclaimed slurs Marlene: But we'll leave off calling the teachers the cunts they are Marlene: For you, our glorious leader Ali: 🙇 down Ali: I'll take it, they're not going to go anywhere near hate speech vibes, too risky Marlene: Tempting offer Marlene: I'll take you up on it when we're alone Ali: Yeah? Gonna skip rehearsal more often then Marlene: For revolution and no less, babe Marlene: But I have missed you Ali: The revolution's always rolling, babe Ali: I can't stop the wheels of change, you know Marlene: I know you want me to make a rock and roll pun Marlene: But I refuse Ali: Boooooo 👎 Ali: too punk for me now? Marlene: Not gonna quote a dead white man either, not even Lennon Marlene: You're still my little punk princess, you know Ali: Throw some Yoko craziness at me Ali: 👑 Marlene: Keeping it back so the protest won't flop. Can't let it Ali: Sure, you just don't wanna get on the rooftop with your mates Ali: someone'd fall, or get pushed 😂 Marlene: Not me or you Marlene: With these arms we're safe Ali: 🔫 pew pew Ali: they wanna try me, bitch Marlene: We should fill up supersoakers for those who are anti our message Marlene: Piss on their negativity in a literal sense Ali: not with actual piss, right? Marlene: You have to start thinking punk rock, babe Ali: I am not pissing into a supersoaker Ali: not dying to prove my aim is as good as a man's like Ali: you do you, babe but I'll leave it at good old fashioned water Marlene: Now who's deserving the boos and jeers Marlene: So regal of you Ali: what can i say? my idea of a good time isn't pissing on my own hands Ali: crazy, i know 😉 Marlene: How true my love is Marlene: Any time's a good time with my baby Ali: 💙 Ali: forreal tho, what are we doing this weekend Marlene: There are a few parties Ali: where Ali: i wanna go as far away as poss Marlene: They're local, usual suspects Marlene: We can do something else Ali: Think of something better, yeah Ali: I'm sick of the locals at the mo Marlene: I'll come back to you with a plan Ali: 💋 Ali: that's my girl Marlene: What am I good for if I can't take you away from this shithole? Marlene: Not like it's that hard Ali: You got your license, 'til I got mine I'm at your beck and call, like Ali: Your Ma will be cool, yeah? Doesn't need to be long, just long enough to breathe Marlene: I'll make a deal with her Marlene: Name drop you since she's a fan Ali: Such a parent pleaser 😇 Marlene: If you sang it she'd do anything you say Marlene: Thinks you've got the voice of an angel for sure Ali: Aww, what a babe Ali: like mother like daughter 😏 Marlene: She had her moments of hell raising Marlene: Would to this day if it was possible Ali: Imma ask her all about it when I see her Ali: fo'sho Marlene: That'd make her happy Ali: Who doesn't love being scandalous? Marlene: Whoever gave you detention Ali: Give you three guesses 😑 Marlene: I don't need them Marlene: Most are in your fan club too Ali: Exactly Ali: Don't teach R.S. if you can't handle healthy debate Marlene: Yeah. We live in Dublin not a dictatorship Ali: Honestly Ali: Some people really wanna take it back to the troubles Ali: Shouldn't have said as much but chill, dude Marlene: Freedom of speech, babe Marlene: I've lost count of how many teachers I've called homophobes Marlene: Gotta speak up Ali: True Ali: you are a bit quick on the draw sometimes, like Marlene: I'm not letting them get away with it Ali: Just sayin', plenty of reasons to give you dirty looks, babe, not all of 'em that you're gay 😜 Marlene: I'm a perfect gentleman and you know it Ali: True Ali: You don't look it tho Marlene: You don't look like a rebel queen Marlene: And yet Ali: I know looks are deceiving, tell it to the homophobes, babe 😏 Ali: also you gotta stop with the compliments 😾 Marlene: But everyone's clearing out. It's the perfect time to shower you with them Marlene: Where do you wanna be? Here or there Ali: When bae only sweet talks you when their mates aren't about Ali: SUCH a fuckboy, darling 💋 Marlene: You know what I was getting at, darling Marlene: We can be alone finally Marlene: But only if you're in the mood Ali: I'll come over Ali: as much as my Ma is also a fan, just yours like, not so much mine Marlene: Let me pick you up Marlene: It's too dark for that shit Ali: Nah, I wanna walk Ali: gotta burn off the energy I didn't get to rock out Marlene: Hold your keys since you won't take my knife off me Ali: Don't worry Ali: My Da beat you to the self-defense lesson, like Ali: I'm sweet Marlene: If I'm not there to protect you, I'm bound to worry Ali: You worry too much, baby Ali: Good thing I'm coming to take all your cares away Ali: and I've got bud, naturally 🚬 Marlene: And I hid some drinks from the vultures Ali: Party of two 😘 Marlene: When you get here. Until you do I'm sitting on the floor alone writing shitty songs about you Ali: Try and write a good one, will ya? Not having it bandied about that I'm a shit muse 😉 Ali: you could never Ali: gonna play for me when I get there? Marlene: Been trying since I met you, babygirl Marlene: It's not you, it's me Ali: Nah Ali: there's a hit in there, I just gotta try harder Ali: as you're so anti-establishment, your brain is noping on writing a bop that everyone will love Marlene: I want you to love it Marlene: You're the one it's for Ali: I'm excited to hear Ali: assuming I don't get shanked on the way by the big bad wolf Marlene: Your tragic early death isn't the inspiration I want or need Ali: Tell it to the TV writers, hun Ali: angry protest song #765 Marlene: I'll sing you my shitty song and you can die laughing Ali: Never Ali: cross my heart Marlene: And fingers that I can patch together a chorus that doesn't make me wanna die before you get here Ali: 🤞 Ali: I have faith enough for two Marlene: As an angel, you kind of have to bring it Ali: No pressure 😓 Marlene: I'm more than okay with you lacking it, stick it to your detention giver over again Marlene: And I love you, so forgiven most sins Ali: A benevolent Goddess you are Marlene: Modeled on the original lesbian in the sky Ali: Debated theology enough today to live and let live on that one babe Marlene: Promise I'll save the angry lesbian god essay recital for another night Ali: You're a doll 💋 Ali: Oh, hold up, I see my ex Ali: ready for this awkward convo in 3 2 Ali: brb Marlene: Bet you want me to pick you up now, don't you? Ali: [15 mins later] Ali: That was wild Marlene: What the fuck, Ali Marlene: I was about to start searching for you Ali: Soz, more chatty than I remember Ali: only gone at got someone pregnant hasn't he Marlene: Dodged a bullet Ali: Tell me about it Ali: Still out on the town tryna get some though Ali: is that the new come on? I'm fertile! Marlene: In this town, likely Marlene: Which ex is it? Ali: #4 good drugs, bad teeth Ali: the one who lowkey stalked me after and my brother had to smack him one Ali: good times, unexpected detour down memory lane there but got us some freebies so Marlene: It took 15 mins to get what you're owed, how long does he take over customers who aren't his stalked exes Marlene: bad business is what you should've called him Marlene: Or manners Ali: names are definitely open to workshopping Ali: he had to show me the scan pics, duh Marlene: Had to do the whole come on Marlene: fucking pig Ali: Bless Ali: have your fun whilst you still can, kid Marlene: not with my girlfriend Ali: don't worry babe, got the drugs for free free Ali: not suck my dick free Marlene: Are you gonna be here soon Marlene: I can still bring the car Ali: Yeah, I'll get a wriggle on Ali: 5 minutes if I run Marlene: If you don't run into any more exes first Ali: cities littered with 'em Marlene: If you didn't date men you could stay friends with them Ali: why would I wanna do that? Ali: I've seen your dyke drama, a no thank you Marlene: I don't have dyke drama Marlene: You're the one trying to avoid the awkward Ali: 😏 Ali: I don't care, its funny Ali: he wasn't that bad, really Ali: don't need to add every ex to my inner circle though, that's a madness Marlene: He stalked you Marlene: He's an asshole Ali: Not properly Ali: Just had issue letting go as fast as I did, who can blame him 😘 Marlene: It's not funny, Ali, it's fucked Ali: So serious 😾 Ali: It ain't like he locked me in his basement, I get to decide how fucked it was or wasn't Marlene: You get to brush it under the carpet too, doesn't make it right Ali: 🙄 you're as bad as my mother Marlene: maybe she's got a point Ali: Ugh, don't need to point score, she already likes ya, babe Ali: he's just a stupid kid, not fucking Bundy, yeah, let's chill Marlene: He doesn't have to be Bundy to be held accountable, babe Marlene: He's gonna be someone's dad Marlene: What the fuck Ali: for what? being a bit of a prick at 16 Ali: s'not a crime, last time I checked Marlene: it doesn't have to be Marlene: Lads think they can do whatever they want Marlene: They can't and shouldn't Ali: Nah, this isn't a soap box moment, babe Ali: we all do things we know are wrong, and ain't proud of Ali: 'cos of how we're feeling Ali: Honestly, not a big deal Ali: and not an exclusively male thing, that's a crock of shit Marlene: If I was heavy handed with one of my exes I'd get so much shit Marlene: He gets boys will be boys Marlene: It's not a big deal because you're making excuses for him Ali: From who? The lesbian mafia? Ali: Straight girls are INSANE Ali: way worse than #4 was ever Ali: I'm not gonna burn him at the stake for something I don't believe in Marlene: Straight girls are a whole other subject Marlene: Last I checked you didn't have any of them as exes so no really the point Ali: That you know of Marlene: I know about every one of your exes Ali: Okay, Liam Neeson Ali: can't be calling out stalkers when you're breathing down the phone like that 😂 Marlene: You're not funny Ali: I am though Ali: but I ain't coming over if you're gonna be such a downer Marlene: Are you serious? Marlene: Your jokes are so bad I can't tell Ali: Duh Ali: Killing my vibe, babe Marlene: You're basically here Ali: So? Ali: I can keep walking into this dark night Marlene: So come in Marlene: I'm sorry, baby Ali: You promise you're gonna stop being lame? Marlene: Cross my heart Ali: Okay, lemme in then

[left-for-carrion]

blog tags:

roach's mutt - stuff about me being a mutt/petplay

roach's angel - stuff about me being an angel

roach's god - stuff about me being a god/my worshippers

roach's scars - my own cutting stuff, please block this tag if you don't wish to see that sort of thing

roach's rambles - just random stuff not particularly kink related

roach's doctor - med kink stuff

roach's stalker - stalking fantasy stuff

roach's robot - robotic kink stuff

roach's killer - gore/snuff stuff. block if you don't want to see that

DNI:

Minors, please don't get me arrested dudes

Pro-contact zoophiles [petplay/people who identify as animals are welcome]

Pro-contact pedophiles [ageplay, fauxcest welcome]

People who sexualize disorders they don't have

RadFem

Homophobes/LGBTQ+ophobes

Transphobes

Anti-therian/anti-kin

Zionists

People who support Israel/Are against Palestine

!Warning!

This blog is fucking heavy, sh, gore, stalker stuff, ect. exists here.

Don't like, don't look. Don't say I didn't warn you. Buzz off if you don't wanna be friends or exist peacefully with me.

There is self-harm thrown throughout this, though nothing from minors. If I reblog something made by a minor and you notice, please tell me. I have no wish to interact with minors. And I do self harm myself, so there will be pictures of that. If you don't want to see that and still wanna interact, block the tag: roach's scars

I will continuously edit this, so always check if there's something you wanna know or feel free to ask, I don't bite [without permission]

I'm Roach on this blog, usually Opium on anon. If you came looking and see this, hi, you found me <3

I'm the god of mutilation of the self and others, your angel [if you want] and a mutt that needs to be put down.

I'll put the rules and tags for that below once I've made a post for how to handle those. Ask things if you've encountered me before I've made it, I promise I won't get grumbly-

I'm really off-putting and aware of it, just not sure how to fix it, I apologize :']

Figured I should make an about me post, so here goes:

I use it/its only, agender, pansexual, poly

Not dating anyone and open to anyone even if I am. [Although, if you want me all to yourself, you better tell me quick <3]

I'm mainly T4T, but not exclusively

Sometimes a mutt [Kin/Complex]

Sometimes a God [Kin/Complex]

Sometimes an angel [Kin/Complex]

Always open to roleplay

Fantasy/Scene stalker [CNC]

An absolute slut for fighting kinks <3

Feel free to bring up a kink and ask, I'm into so much that it's really hard to list all of them :']

I do do pictures/nudes, only in PMs and with people I genuinely trust. Earn them <3

I have ADHD, BPD, severe anxiety, and several undiagnosed things. I am nonverbal irl.

I'm a service dom, which means anything I do is tailored for you, and idk what kind of sub I am, I don't get to sub much because I get too anxious to ask lol. I power bottom most of the time, but I also like topping. I don't bottom when I sub unless we've worked up to that level.

Kinks list: [Faves in bold] [Not complete, anything not in dni is open]

Fighting/Arena/Ring

Worship

Cannibalism

Petplay

Robot/Objectum*

Medical

Intoxication

Fauxcest

Public

Role reversal

Overstimulation

Edging

Piss, anything related to piss

Stalker/Stalking

Woundfucking

Snuff

Body modification

CNC [The word rape is allowed, I don't personally use it much however]

Object Insertion

Knife Play

I'm open to anything not in my dni's, so feel free to send me whatever, this is just what I could think of. I'll probably add to it over time.

I do participate in fandom, I know I know, so disappointing, so occasionally I reblog/talk about things from:

Hannibal NBC

Ultrakill

i'll add more later my mind is blank

*With Objectum, I'm into almost anything mechanical, and any range of Robot, but I'm also into Plushies. So, Plushophilia.